wakey wakey hands off snakey
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
