got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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