I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
