Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
