I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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