Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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