Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
