Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
