i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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