So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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