guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
