The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
