I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
