He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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