my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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