I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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