omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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