Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
