Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
