She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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