apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
