Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
