Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize