brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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