so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
