He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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