She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
