The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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