I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
