i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
