I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
