god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I need a beard to bite.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
