I cannot find my penis.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
