I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
