its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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