Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
