dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
