walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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