Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
