Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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