Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
