And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
