my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
