he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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