I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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