I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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