When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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