Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
When are your genitals available?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
