I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
