I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
